Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance (aka Spirit of Suckfest)

I liked the first Ghost Rider, I really did. It wasn't crazy, it wasn't retarded and it had big ass Eva Mendes titties. The story even made a little bit of sense. That's all I'm asking for, really. Just make a tad bit of sense, for fucks sake! Is that really too much to ask? According to Spirit of Vengeance, it is way too much to ask. Whoever wrote the script for Spirit of Suckfest had to be smoking some serious crack. It's the only explanation for how a decent idea turned into some unrecognizable Suckfest.

Johnny Blaze was an interesting guy. Funny even. He was a daredevil and he loved his job. He was awkward with women in a cute sort of way. The Spirit of Vengeance completely sucked all of that character out of him and turned him into some useless crybaby. It's like one of the producers said something to the writers like "Look, we all know Nick Cage can't act for shit, so just write up a bunch of stupid car chases and explosions and call it a day, will ya?" And sure enough, the writers ran with that idea which made for a damn nice trailer, but not much of a movie.

Don't get me wrong, there are much worse movies. Really, the only reason this one is pissing me off right now is because all of my movie channels are spamming this goddamn movie like mad. It is okay to watch this Suckfest once, if you're not paying attention and it is just playing in the background. After it has played about 7 times in the background, however... Just kill yourself. My eyes are bleeding just thinking about it.

The place beyond the pines (is a good place to jack it)

The place beyond the pines is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad movie. I take that back. 2/3 of the movie is that bad, but the first 30 minutes is watchable just because Ryan Gosling is so goddamn dreamy. I mean, yes, he is sexy as fuck but the poor guy can't act himself out of a wet paper bag. Seriously, he's like the Kristen Stewart of male actors. He just has no range of emotion. Which is just fine if you plan on plowing his asshole or stuffing his face with a bag of cocks. But he cannot carry a goddamn movie, especially since he dies in the first 30 minutes.

So, he gets shot and killed by some cop and then the movie turns into a completely different movie. Some bullshit cop drama about corrupt cops or some shit that nobody cares about.

30 minutes later, it turns into another completely different movie about two kids doing who-knows-what because by that time I was pretty much falling asleep when I wasn't screaming at my tv "What the fuck, why you kill off the only part of this movie worth watching?? Why???"

The only way someone can enjoy this movie is if they jack off during the first 30 minutes and leave the theater before Sexy Ryan gets killed off. The end.

Gravity sucks (and so does the movie)

Not only do I hate movies.  I seriously hate you stupid fucking cunts that keep going to stupid fucking movies and making them buttloads of cash.  What the fuck is wrong with you cunts?  How the fuck was Gravity the top movie at the box office for like 4 weeks in a row? Seriously?  How does that piece of shit movie make 300 goddamn million dollars?  HOW???

It's all your fault, you fucking retards.  Don't look at me, I torrented that shit.  No fucking way I'm paying to see Sandra Bullock cry and wander around space for 90 minutes.  That's all it was.  George Clooney fucked around for like 30 minutes, then died so stupid ass Sandra got to carry the fucking movie for the next 90 minutes.  And that's not a story.  That's not what a movie is supposed to be goddamnit.  A movie has a plot, and characters.  That's plural, you stupid cunts.  Multiple fucking characters that interact with each other.

Then there's the fact that somehow this Doctor character that Sandra is playing is somehow the best goddamn astronaut the world has ever seen.  She's a fucking doctor.  Shes not a goddamn astronaut, you stupid fucking dip shits.

So, yea.  This is why I fucking hate movies.

Pacific Rim builds a wall (seriously, a wall??)

Goddamnit, I fucking hate movies so much.  Fucking Pacific Rim.  I swear WTF happened with this piece of shit of a movie??  del Toro can direct, I know that for fact, so what the absolute fuck happened to turn this movie into the steaming pile of dog shit that it is?

It had to be the writers, right?  Has to be.  But, oh wait... del Toro is also credited as one of the writers, so that can't be it.  That means the head writer came up with the brilliant idea to build a wall against big ass monsters.  That's sure to keep them at bay.  FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!  How the fuck did del Toro see that and not go "Stop smoking crack, you stupid cunt!  Give me something that makes fucking sense, not this horseshit."

But nooooo...  Build a wall.  That idea made it.  Probably 20 some producers saw that and went "Sure, that will work.  That makes sense."  Right?  NO!  It doesn't make any fucking sense, you stupid cunts!

You idiots know exactly where the fucking monsters are spawning, why the fuck can't you just put a bunch of fucking rockets around the portal with some sensor or whatever and whenever some big fuck comes through just nuke the shit out of that bastard.  Right? Now, that makes sense.

Or, like How it should have ended put it:  Have your big robot guy just stand over the portal with his big fucking sword and cut their fucking heads off as soon as they spawn.  Boom.  Done.

But nooooo...  That would make sense.  And this is why I fucking hate movies.  Stupid cunts.